This article first appeared in The Onion, and it's too good not to repost.
WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Admitting it has had its eye on the property for
quite some time, the Atlantic Ocean confirmed Monday that it was looking
forward to moving into a beautiful beachfront mansion in the near
“For the longest time it seemed like this place was completely
out of reach for me, but I’ve come a long way in the past few years, and
now it’s looking more and more like a real possibility,” said the body
of water, which confided that, after having admired the building’s
impressive exterior and grounds for so long, it was thrilled at the
prospect of finally going inside and exploring all eight bedrooms and
7,500 square feet of living area.
“I’m not quite ready yet, but in a
couple years or so, I can definitely see myself in there, making the
place completely my own. And the little beachside community that the
house is located in is just so cute, too—I can’t wait to go through and
visit all the shops and restaurants.”
The ocean noted, however, that it
might make a few cosmetic changes to the mansion once it moves in,
including gutting the lower floor and taking out a few walls.